Friday, April 29, 2016

It's been awhile. Actually it's been more than 3 years which is a good indicator of how quick the passage of time is. It doesn't feel like 3 years, but then again I've been kind of distracted. I've grown two humans in that time, both boys and as I write this at 4 am (because that's always the best time to plug out a blog post, right?) the younger one is affixed to my breast while the older one is beside me taking up far too much real estate in our queen size. This is my life now; messy, cramped, filled with love. Having given birth to my second 10 weeks ago I'm adjusting to the whole 'life with boys' feeling. I mean, it's like I'm truly committed to the vroom vrooms, choo choo trains and peeing outdoors thing. There is no escape. And yes, I'm not one to promote gender stereotypes but as far as I can tell little boys REALLY seem to like those things. I like having two boys because it's cohesive and streamline, there haven't been many surprises and I've bought virtually nothing for W. I mean, not that if he had been a girl I would have had any problem dressing her in the 500 powder blue sleepers I already have. People ask me what I want and need for him, and I tell them money for his educational fund. I used to be shy about it but as the bedrooms and closets overflow with toys and overalls and blankets and bottles I'm no longer ashamed to tell people what we actually want. I think the biggest bonus for me in having two boys is seeing a sibling relationship with two of the same sex, which is something I never got to experience. As of now, C and W don't have a super intense sibling bond. C likes kissing him and holding his hand and occasionally being a jerk to him. Sometimes he bounces him pretty vigorously in his bouncy chair and I get mad at C while W just laughs at me. So they're already in on it together. Good to know. They both like holding my hair and yesterday C actually pulled the hair W was holding out of his hand so C could hold it. Because their couldn't have possibly been another lock of hair for him to hold onto. I go through a lot of emotions every day. Sadness, frustration, anger, joy but most of all, I'm just filled with this feeling that I'm ready to explode love every second. And not just that I feel love, but that I feel loved in a way I never did before my boys. It's a powerful thing to know, "these humans would lose their shit if you weren't around". C makes a Greek tragedy esc performance if I go to the store to buy cream. It's unconditional and overwhelming and real words do it justice. But if you're a parent, you will understand. Sometimes I'm lonely, no, a lot of times I'm lonely. Because although I'm filled with love, I'm not privy to adult conversations and time to enjoy people who don't use a lock of my hair for comfort. As a mom, you give of yourself until there is nothing left. There is nothing for you, for your partner, for your friends or extended family. And then, when you're dangling from the end of a very thin rope, you give even more to your children. What a beautiful, exhausting life lesson. What a lesson in gratitude. Because at the end of every puke filled day, I am lucky. I am the luckiest.

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